Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all those wonderful fathers out there! :)

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend. It's Sunday morning and I'm waiting for the cable guy. Yes, on a Sunday morning. I can't remember if I already mentioned this but on Wednesday I think it was, I broke down and called Time Warner to upgrade my cable. I was so happy at first to have the basic cable but then started missing the extended channels like TNT & USA, those are my favorites because I'm a Law & Order junkie and it seems like they are always playing one of the Law & Order shows. So I called to bump my service up to the extended service and I was talked into the digital cable...which actually only ended up being $5 more a month after the promotional price of the extended service. I'm such an easy sell. I was surprised when they said they'd have a tech here on Sunday between 8:30 & 10:00 but they obviously work 7 days a week. It's 9:22 right now and I hope they get here soon, last time they were early so I'll cut them some slack today.

I didn't do much of anything yesterday. Funny thing yesterday morning though. Let me backtrack a little...Jason & I have been talking about how he wants to start getting up earlier to exercise & whatnot as he's also famous for snoozing the alarm for as long as humanly possible (I remember both him & my mom doing this at home & it drove me batty), I've been talking about how I need to get back on a 'normal' schedule so that I can get up for work/training next week...it's something we've been talking about a lot and he even e-mailed me an article on Friday about "Early Risers". So, Saturday morning at 6:10 I hear the "ta da!" sound of my phone receiving a text message...wakes me right up, I grab my phone and it's from Jason and it reads "Please don't hit me. I'm trying to be funny". I'm thinking "ha ha ha, Jason. Nice one!". So I laid there for a few minutes but could not get back to sleep. I get up and text him back "Funny". No response. Then I send him another text "Let's go running". Nothing from him again. I'm getting a little irritated because he sends ME a text to wake me up and doesn't even respond. In the meantime I'm wide awake, channel surfing, looking around online, etc. I then send him an e-mail telling him I'm going to kick his ass and we're going to have a Jiffy Mart re-match (inside joke). I decide to get dressed and go out for coffee and some breakfast, get gas and drive around. It's about 9:30 now and I still have no response from Mr Alarm Clock Brother, I'm really tired at this point because I didn't go to bed Friday night until 2 in the morning, so I go back to sleep. I wake up to a voice mail from Jason asking me what the heck I was talking about in my e-mail and why was I texting him so early in the morning? I thought he was joking at first so I called him right back...turns out he did not send me a text at 6:10 in the morning....he had sent me that text FRIDAY NIGHT and I did not receive it until 6:10 Saturday morning. That made me laugh but also added to my existing frustration with Verizon Wireless. That was my funny story for yesterday.

I ended up being a bum for the most part of yesterday and then picked up a chicken finger sub for dinner. I am quickly slipping back into old eating habits and I need to get this under control because I don't want to gain back this weight that I've lost. I also have an even worse habit that I'm ashamed to admit I've picked back up again on & off over the last few months: smoking. I know it's awful and like I said, I'm ashamed to even admit it but hopefully actually putting it out there will make me realize how stupid it is and that I really need to stop. I'll stop for a few days and then start again. I had quit about 4 years ago and was doing so well and was so proud of myself. Stuff started hitting the fan this fall with my marriage and my Grandpa being so sick and then dying, I turned to an old habit for "comfort" and I regret ever letting it back in my life.

I've noticed a pattern in my life...whenever I start to really make positive changes for myself, no matter what it is...it's almost like I unconsciously sabotage myself and then fail. It's like with leaving Matt, as much as I'll always love him, that was a very positive change in my life...the weight loss has been a huge positive change for me...and keeping those nasty cigarettes out of my life was positive too. Not to get all Oprah-y or Dr Phil-ish but I think it's all about self-worth and how although my self esteem has gotten better lately (it used to be in the negative) that I still don't feel worthy of good things. I hope that doesn't sound too pathetic because I'm not trying to sound like a martyr, it's just something that I've struggled with my entire life. Once I get this straightened out in my head I think everything will fall into place.

Now that I've exposed my nasty, nasty habit I am going to use my blog to hold myself accountable and will continue to check in regarding my battle with smoking. Believe me, I know that it's going to kill me...Matt's mom died from it and a good friend from Medtronic was diagnosed with lung cancer last year...I know all of this. I know it's expensive, I know it stinks and I know it looks stupid. I'll get there, I promise. :)

I think I'm going to take a ride down to the cemetery today and "visit" with my Grandpa to wish him a Happy Father's Day. I haven't been to his grave since the funeral. I know we all believe in different things but I do believe that his spirit is in this house with me, I find myself talking to him often...but for some reason I just want to go to his grave and sit there and visit with him & my grandma. I have always found cemeteries to be peaceful and not at all scary or eerie...maybe that's weird, I don't know.

Tomorrow morning I go to Geico to start all my background/credit checks and drug tests...wish me luck on the credit check. :)